


Chronicles of a better man - Twelfth Doctor

by SHADOWSQUILL



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-29 17:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19405240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHADOWSQUILL/pseuds/SHADOWSQUILL
Summary: "We never forget our first Doctor." The TARDIS never forgot any of them and is still ready to go back on adventures with his many incarnations. [This is a reedition of "Brèves de TARDIS". I'm gathering all the one-shots by Doctor for it to be easier.]





	1. Better with two - PART I

It was strange watching him have no clue of who she was. Her beloved Doctor whom she had worked desperately to find again had absolutely no idea of who she was. It had been far too long in his timeline. Who knew what had happened to him during all those years she was away? She didn’t. Time was faster in her universe and yet it seemed to go very slowly. Time in the right order wasn’t fun actually. It was better to just pop up here and there, to go everywhere, no matter the time or the planet. All of that ended when he had left her on Bad Wolf Bay but she never stopped trying to come back though she had slowly been losing hope because of the many failures. Years had passed by and she had lost everything in her quest for the Doctor. Until she found the portal to her birth universe. Until she found him again.

She started to make sure she was everywhere he was. Cafes, hotels, even the little corner shops where he’d stop by to buy a small snack. She was nervous every time he was getting close to her but he never noticed her, as if she was invisible. She could have abandoned and let him go but she was too close to give in. She couldn’t just let him go now that she had found him. She was sure that if he just took a look at her, he would realize that she’s been following him. Maybe he would tell her that she was reminding him of somehow. But he never said anything. She had to move up a gear. One evening, she saw he was going into a little coffee shop. She disguised herself as a waitress and put his favourite cup of coffee on his table before he even ordered. She’d hidden the ring he’d given her a long time ago inside, hoping he’d remember her.

“Waitress’ intuition,” she said softly, nodding to the cup. “You look like a no sugar kind of guy.”

The Doctor raised his head and looked at the waitress. He gave her a small smile and thanked her. Then, he looked down at his coffee. He was too lost in his thoughts to wonder how she got to know that he liked it with no sugar. She felt familiar though, as if they’ve already met. That was possible. He had been living for so long now and couldn’t remember all the persons he met but could clearly name the persons that died because of him. He sighed and took a mouthful.

“Reminds me of how bitter life can be.”

He had said that more for him than for her but she understood the feeling. She was thinking the same. She smiled weakly.

“I feel the same way,” she agreed, rubbing her arm at bit. “Never can quite get the attention of someone I’ve been looking for a long time.”

She sighed heavily. He looked at her again, surprised by the tone of her voice. He could see that she was nervous and pretty sad. He thought that she looked as broken as he was and that made him sad.

“I wish I would help you. But I’m not even able to help myself lately. Sorry.”

He gave her a smile with no joy, his eyes full of sadness. He’d been helping people for a very long time and now he just needed some time for him to heal his own wounds.

“No, I would really like to help you actually.” She said softly, carefully sitting down across from him. “See, I know the look of a lost love. I don’t know how many you’ve loved and lost but that sadness is there. I can fix it.”

“I don’t think you can. Thanks though. It’s nice to see that some people still care about others.”

He took another mouthful and avoided her look. He didn’t need anyone’s pity. He didn’t need anyone around him. No one survived around him. They all died, disappeared, got hurt or worse. He didn’t want to see that anymore. He couldn’t bear that anymore.

“I have to go,” he said as he got up, leaving his cup half-full.

“Rose Tyler,” she said, starting to get up. “Do you remember Rose Tyler?”

She was terrified he wouldn’t remember, that he would think she was crazy. He stopped. How did she even know that name? Rose Tyler died in a battle he hadn’t wanted her to take a part in. In that universe, she was nothing else but a dead name on an empty grave he had dug. She had been stuck in a parallel world because he had said that it was the best for her. It had been the worst decision he had ever taken and he regretted it every day. His life went on and he hadn’t wanted to think about the great life she might have had with the metacrisis Doctor. He still didn’t want to know. She probably died a long time ago after living a long and happy life like he had wanted her to. He would never see her again and she never saw him again before her death. He clenched his jaw. He had tried so hard not to think about that. How come a little waitress could know about his Rose?

“She’s a friend I’ve lost a long time ago.”

Saying it out loud was harder than keeping the thought for him The name brought back a lot of memories. The fear suddenly overwhelmed him as he realized that time passing by, those memories weren’t as clear as they used to be. He was slowly losing her. Again. He didn’t like that. He didn’t want to lose her again.

“The best friend I could ever have.”

“She loved you,” she said softly, a single tear sliding down her cheek.

She was heartbroken to say the least. A friend. Just a friend. At least, he knew who she was. He still remembered that she had existed in one of his past lives. She had to end the game now. She couldn’t bear it anymore.

“I loved you.”

The Doctor turned around, surprised by the words of the waitress. How could she know? That was impossible. Rose Tyler was dead a long time ago and he would never see her again. He clenched his fists. His hearts were now full of anger and sadness. No one should ever talk to him about Rose unless they knew who she really was. It was too painful remembering the girl he loved, remembering he never was able to tell her. It was painful to realize that his memories of her were slowly fading away.

“You can’t know all those things. You can’t know what Rose Tyler really felt about me. No one knew. Not even you. Not even me. I didn’t want to see it. Who are you to pretend to know what she and I felt for each other?”

His anger went on and he clenched his fists harder. His body was shaking and didn’t like being in such a weak position. He hated that waitress. He hated what she had just done to him. If he wasn’t who he was, if he didn’t control himself, he would have slapped her. But he couldn’t ignore what she said. He could just stand still there, trying to hold back his anger. Who was that girl pretending to know everything about the bound Rose and him had shared?

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He kept his voice very calm but he knew she could feel the anger he was holding back. He hoped she would be afraid. He left, hoping she wouldn’t follow him. She emptied the cup of coffee and got the ring back. Then, she stormed after him, frowning deeply and threw it to him. The ring hit his back. The Doctor stopped. He turned around, shot her a dirty look and picked up the ring. He froze when he realized he knew that ring. A simple ring with Gallifreyan symbols. A ring his mom had given him before he married his first wife. A ring he had retrieved on the dead body of his wife before leaving Gallifrey. A ring he had kept with him for years before giving it to the woman he loved more than his own life. He pressed the ring in his hand, holding back the tears that were filling his eyes. The pain was overwhelming him and he was too broken, too weak to reject it.

“I know what I’m talking about because that’s who I am! I am the one who loved you more than anything in the world! I am the one who would have given my life to save yours! I am the first one to have ever seen how broken, desperate, mad and lost you were after losing your planet and your people! I have searched for you for many years, I have followed you, I have desperately tried to get your attention but you never saw me!”

She was truly angry but most of all she was hurt. How could he not see that she was right in front of him? How could he not see all she’d done to get back to him?

“It’s not… You can’t be…”

And yet, while looking at her, memories went through his mind. It was all blurred at first but it became clearer and clearer. Rose’s face came back to his mind as clearly as if it was yesterday. And the blonde girl, the waitress that was following him looked exactly like the girl he had loved with the bottom of his hearts. He took a step back, astounded, and almost fell on the TARDIS.

“I can’t believe it,” he whispered.

He thought he had gone mad, that something was wrong with his mind. She hadn’t aged a bit. That was impossible. His Rose Tyler was just a little human. She could not have lived so long. That was beyond logic and the Doctor couldn’t believe that was really her in front of him, not after all these years, not after he had lost everything and everyone. Someone was probably tricking him. He stared at her as she watched him sadly, hugging herself.

“I’ve desperately tried to get you to look at me,” she said with a softer voice, a voice in which he could hear her pain and her sadness. “I missed you so much.”

“I’m-I’m sorry. It’s just… I spent so much time mourning you, so much time convincing myself that it was all over, that I would never see you again except in my memories, memories that are fading away more and more every day. It frightens me because I don’t want to forget you, Rose Tyler. All this time, I fought hallucinations. I was seeing your face everywhere I go, in every dream I had. I was always trying to catch your hand but you always disappeared. And now, you just came out of nowhere? That’s just unbelievable.”

He took his head into his hands and sat on the floor, his back against the TARDIS. He was overwhelmed by his emotions, pretty certain that that was all a dream or an hallucination, a trick from his broken mind. Or maybe it was all over for him and someone was sending him the only person he needed to see in the world before he died for good. She stepped closer to him, taking his hands.

“Please. See me, Doctor. Let me back into your life like we both desperately need. I miss you more than anything in the whole world, my Doctor.”

Her touch surprised him to say the least. He was convinced she was just a product from his imagination but it looked like she was not. Was he mad? Was he hallucinating? Sick? On the edge of death? Her hands were as real as he was, as the TARDIS in his back was, and it was hard to believe for him. He took her hands in his, enjoying her touch. He would have recognized it anywhere; he had held those hands so many times before.

“I have loved you with all my hearts and soul. When you disappeared, my being had been torn apart. I’ve never been able to put the pieces back together. Look at me, Rose. I’m not the Doctor you used to know anymore. Why would you come back to the man I’ve become? Why now? Is there something I should know?”

His words were full of pain and despair and he knew she could feel how desperately he needed her in his life again. She rubbed his hands with her thumbs.

“Because now is when we need each other. Now and forever.” She moved one of her hands, lightly cupping his cheek. “Please, let me come back. Let’s live the forever we promised each other so long ago.”

“How could I ever say no when I’ve been waiting for this day to come?” he said, giving her a small smile.

She smiled in relief, kissing his cheek. The move surprised him. He was not used to those kind of displays. He was pretty sure he was glowing.

“I’ve missed you so much, Doctor.”

She pulled him into a tight hug, burrowing her face into his chest. It felt weird having Rose Tyler in his arms again. He wasn’t a hugging type of guy but having Rose in his arms felt right. That’s why he hugged her back and closed his eyes, enjoying a moment he thought would never happen. He didn’t even care if he was daydreaming, hallucinating or anything. Rose Tyler was all he needed, whether she was real or not.

“So, you’re ready to fly through time and space with the old daft and grumpy guy I am?” he whispered in her ear.

“Of course! I’m always ready to travel with my favourite Time Lord,” she replied, nodding softly and smiling as brightly as lovingly.

“Fantastic! Allons-y!” he said with a bright smile, remembering the words he used when he travelled with her.

He took her hand and got into the TARDIS with her, ready for a brand new adventure. Now that she was there, life would not be as bitter as before. She smiled, gripping his hand tight as she followed him.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to do this again. To be with you again.”

“I can try,” he simply said.

Then, he launched the TARDIS to a fix point in space and time they both used to love. His broken hearts were healing slowly thanks to the come back of his long lost love. Nothing could make him happier than travel with his beloved Rose again. She closed her eyes, hugging him and resting her head against his back as he was sliding the ring back where it belonged: on her finger.

“You’re not much different than when we first met, you know.”

“I’m so much more broken than the day we met, Rose. But, at least, I now know that my planet hasn’t been destroyed. Gallifrey is still here, somewhere, and I’m on my way back home. And there’s nothing better than going home with the woman you love.”

Rose was the only person who could hug him without it to be uncomfortable and unpleasant for him. With her, he definitely felt home and loved and that’s something he hadn’t feel in a long time. She smiled softly, looking up at him sweetly.

“I get to see the place you lived?”

She couldn’t stop thinking about how perfect it was to be with him and how perfect it would be if they settled down on Gallifrey to live happily like they both deserved to.

“Unless you wanna go back on Earth… Which won’t happen since I won’t let you go, Rose Tyler. You won’t go anywhere without me; I hope you know that.”

She nodded and giggled. “I want to stay with you forever. No point in going back there.”

“Then, let’s go where we both belong: space.”

He had said that with a smile as he pressed some button on the console. She nodded and smiled happily, kissing his cheek gently.

“Doctor, I have a very serious question that I feel is important to ask.”

“You’re not gonna put one knee down, aren’t you?”

He was half-joking but his face was now serious. The question got him worried. She smiled weakly, shaking his head.

“I know how uncomfortable that would make you. I only want to know… Have there been others? And not just companions, I mean people who have loved you. Whom you loved.”

The question caught him off-guard. He hadn’t expected it and yet, he should have. He remembered that one time they’d met Sarah Jane. Rose had been jealous but also angry and hurt. She had thought he would abandon her and all he could answer at the moment was that it was his curse. Nothing to reassure her. And he did abandon her in the end. And he did travel with other people he had loved, but not the way he had loved her.

“I travelled alone for some time before a new companion came. I loved them in a way. Not like I love you. They were friends, very good friends. And I’ve lost all of them. They left, they forgot me, they got lost in time and space. Losing them always reminded me of your loss. But I’ve never let anyone know how much I was in pain. You would have loved them. They were clever, sassy, funny. But they never took your place. No one can do that.”

She smiled, very relieved. “If I were able to stay here and never leave you again… Would-would you love me forever?”

“Does it need saying?”

The answer was obvious to him. He didn’t need to be saying. She smiled brightly, biting down her lip. She was about to say something that would definitively change their relationship.

“Good, because… Because I’m unable to die, Doctor. I’ve lived multiple centuries now.”

“Good thing I can’t die either,” he said but Rose’s answer raised a question. “Is the Bad Wolf involved in this miracle?”

She nodded softly, still biting her lip. “It gave me life. Much more life than I was expecting to have.”

“I was afraid this would happen. I didn’t want you to live with that burden, to see your friends and family die while you keep living.” He hugged her to comfort her. It must have been hard for her. “But I will forever be there for you. I promise to never leave you whatever happens.”

She hugged onto him, a few tears sliding down her cheeks. “I had a child, Doctor. She looked so much like you.” _She smiled weakly_. “Once I lost her, I knew I needed to find you again.”

“Sorry to hear that,” hesaid as he wiped away her tears. “I know how hard it is. I’m glad that you found a way to come back to me. We’ll deal with that together. Better with two, right? I bet your little girl was as beautiful and clever as her mother.”

“She was lovely.”

Rose closed her eyes to hide the tears coming. She would never forget her little girl. She had asked so many questions about her mother. Rose was a mystery to other people. She often had to move because people were wondering why she wasn’t aging. She had had to watch her mother, her father, Tony, Mickey, Tentoo and her daughter grow old and die until she had nothing left. She had told her daughter everything about her and the Doctor. The girl had wanted to meet him and died with all her dreams. Rose still couldn’t bear the sad smile her daughter had when she passed away. She had promised her to find the Doctor, to get back to him and to tell him about her. She had promised to get back to him and to take her to the stars. Fate had decided to grant their wishes.

“It’s-It’s against the laws of Time but if you want we could go back in time and-and save her. We could travel with her, be a family.”

A family with Rose, that was what he wanted the most. They could have that. They could have their own family and they’d all live on Gallifrey. They’d be happy together. Rose shook her head weakly.

“Even though she had dreamt of meeting you, she had a good, long life. I… I think we should have a family of our own.”

“Having little Time Lords? With me? I guess you love challenges!” he said, laughing. “I want a family with you too. I never thought this dream would come true.”

She giggled and hugged him tighter. “I never thought it would happen either.”

“And here we are, about to build a brighter future. If I were told that a few years ago, I wouldn’t have believed it.”

“I’m so happy to have you in my life again,” she said, smiling sweetly, gently cupping his cheek.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Rose Tyler. I’d be lost if I didn’t have you. See what I’ve become when you were gone.”

She smiled sweetly but the sadness of those past years were visible in his eyes. He would have given up if it wasn’t for her. How did he manage to go that far after she got stuck in that universe? Who helped him through the solitude of his life of last Time Lord?

“Perhaps a kiss would make you feel better.”

It was a shy offer. She didn’t know how he would respond to that. He still was the Doctor she knew but she didn’t know that regeneration that well. What if he wasn’t a demonstrative kind of guy? He put his hand on her cheek, looking at her tenderly.

“We won’t know if we don’t try.”

And he kissed her on the lips with all the love he had for her and even more. She kissed him back, deeply, pretty close. Never had she felt so at home before than when she was with him at that moment. The Doctor enjoyed the kiss. He was happy. There was no other word for how he was feeling right now. Everything he had wished for all those years became real. And there was nothing better to him than living the rest of his very long life with the only woman he had truly loved.

“I will always love you, Rose,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” she whispered, kissing his cheek gently. “And I will always be there for you.”

“So will I.”

He kissed her again. Everything felt right. He was finally home in the arms of the woman he loved. She kissed him, smiling adoringly.

“My handsome Doctor.”

“My beautiful Rose,” he simply said, holding her tighter. “We’re finally both home.”

She kept on smiling and giggled shyly. He kissed her forehead and smiled as the TARDIS landed where their new story was about to start. She kissed him softly.

“We have so much catching up to do.”

“We better start now before troubles knock on our door like they always do.”

They both know that it would happen. Troubles followed the Doctor everywhere he was going. He hadn’t spent a normal Christmas for years. However, he would never forget the one he had spent with Rose’s family. He had just regenerated to his tenth form and was still wondering what kind of man he was. The best Christmas he ever had on Earth. The best Christmas he ever had at all. Rose nodded and smiled, kissing his cheek once again. 

“How about we catching up over a nice picnic?”

“I’m in! Only if there are chips! Oh, and bananas! And fish fingers with custard!” he said with excitement.

“Fish fingers with custard?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Doctor, what kind of things have you gotten yourself into?”

The Doctor didn’t answer immediately. Fish fingers and custard were something he used to share with two of his previous companions. Amelia and Rory. Nobody had understood their weird love for two things that just didn’t belong together. But he loved it and still did.

“My past self loved this and somehow, I do too. People always think that it’s a joke. Amy didn’t. She’s the one who gave me fish fingers and custard in the first place,” he finally said with a sad smile.

“Who’s Amy?” she asked gently, biting down her lip.

“After I last saw you on Bad Wolf Bay, a lot of things happened. I had to erase Donna’s memories to save her life. But I was involved in last mission including the Master, an old friend of mine who was supposed to be dead, and Wilf, Donna’s grandfather. Remember that night, January 1st 2005?”

He’d been decades since that day. It was the last time he saw her and the first time she ever saw him. He was in pain, could barely walk or talk but he had felt the need to say one last goodbye to the girl he loved before dying, before becoming a whole new man. Rose nodded and smiled softly. She would always remember the day she had met the Doctor. Well, he was just a drunk and weird stranger to her at that time.

“The first day I ever saw you.”

“I was about to regenerate but I needed to see you one last time though I was in a lot of pain. That regeneration was the worst I ever had and when I finally got my new face, my TARDIS crashed down in little Amy’s garden. I wanted an apple for some reason. She let me get into her house and gave me food. The only thing I could eat was fish fingers with custard.” He had a small laugh. “After that, I got to the TARDIS and said I’d be back in a few minutes. It happened to be years. She had waited for me and hated me for disappearing that way. I travelled with her and Rory, her husband, somehow ended up married to their daughter, River who died to save me. That part of my life is a mess, I might admit.”

“Married?” she frowned, looking a little upset. “I thought you said there was no one else.”

“There wasn’t. Timey wimey thing. She was raised to kill me actually. Marrying her was a way to keep me alive.”

“I don’t understand,” she said as she frowned deeply and crossed her arms.

“River’s name is Melody Pond. Amy and Rory conceived her in the TARDIS,” he explained with a funny face. “That’s why she’s half human, half Time Lady and knows how to drive this sexy girl,” headded, tenderly hitting the console. “She was taken away from her parents when she was just a little girl by the Silence. They raised her with one aim: killing me. I tried to prevent her from doing so but that was impossible. I was meant to die that day. And I died. Not a pleasant experience.”

“I’m sorry” was the only thing she could reply to that explanation. The Doctor’s life had always been weird. She thought she had seen everything but she had still some things to learn about him. She smiled weakly and hugged him to remind herself that she was his. She always had been his. From the beginning to the end.

“She got married to a double of myself created by the Telesecta team. Long story. When River and I kissed, time went back to his normal flux. The Silence thought I was dead while I kept on travelling. River’s timeline is different from mine. She’s my future, I’m her past. It wasn’t love, just some kind of admiration.”

“Okay,” she sighed, shutting her eyes.

“You’ve always been the one. No matter how many companions I’ve had after. I-I didn’t want to talk about you because that was painful but every time I did, they all understood what you meant to me. Even the TARDIS knows it. In dark times, she was always sending me your image. You don’t have to worry.”

He knew that she was hurt by the fact he had had other companions. Being alone wasn’t something he was able to do. He always needed someone by his side. But, even when there were others, he had always been thinking about her. He could never forget his Rose, the pink and yellow girl who gave him hope, who fixed the broken mess he was when she had met him in that shop. He felt her hugging him tight and listened to her breathing slowly.

“I’m not going to leave you ever again. I promise you.”

“Hold on to me, Rose Tyler.”

He had whispered those few words afraid of losing her again and hugged her back. His mind was somewhere else, lost in dull memories he had involuntary reawakened. She clung onto him tightly, shaking. She whispered an “I love you” in his ear but he didn’t answer because he knew she could feel how strong his feelings for her were.

“We were talking about a picnic, weren’t we? We have a lot to talk about. Good thing I’m the master of Time, right?”

She nodded softly. “And I’m the Bad Wolf.”

“My Bad Wolf to be exact.”

He smiled at her. She kissed his nose, smiling sweetly. They were both so happy right now. Only Death would have been able to pull them apart and they had already proved that they could cheat with the Grim Reaper. He hummed something in her ear, making her smile. He was still holding her, not wanting to let her go. Then, he took her hand and led her outside.

“Let’s eat something. We gotta be fighting fit to find Gallifrey and start our lovely family.”

“Eating sounds really nice, actually. Now that you mention it,” she grinned at him.

“I know where we can get the best chips in all the universe. You gotta taste them.”

He walked in the streets of the planet they had landed on. Holding Rose’s hand felt so right. She smiled softly, following him happily. It reminded her of all the past adventured they had lived together.

“Oh?”

He took her to a little shop and ordered two meals. Chips weren’t such a great thing but they both loved it and reminded them of a past life. They ate chips for their first “date”. He had taken her far away in the future to show her the planet she had always lived on burn. He didn’t even know why he had done that. At that time, he was still a broken and bitter man. Maybe he had wanted her to feel his pain. Maybe he had wanted her to understand what he had lived. Later, he had realized how selfish it had been and had been totally astounded by the way she had put up with it. Rose Tyler was truly fantastic.

“I must do better than chips for our next date.”

“You can’t possibly do better.”

“Don’t bet on it. I can do better,” he said with a bright smile as chips were put in front of them.

“You’re ridiculous.”

She was joking. She loved how her Doctor was still the same, how he was always looking for a way to be a better man for her, to offer her the best he could. He pretended to be offended by her words.

“Not ridiculous, impressive.”

“Whatever you say my dear,” she granted, smiling.

He remained silent and ate a chip, enjoying the taste on his tongue. He spent a few minutes looking at his beautiful Rose who wasn’t quite the same as before.

“Tell me everything my beloved, what happened to you? Was the half-me treating you right? How did you find me?”

He was curious about how his lovely girl had gone through all those years they were apart, how was her life with metacrisis Doctor, how she had found a way to come back in that universe without ripping everything.

“Everything was fine,” she said quietly, leaning on him and eating chips. “We lived happily, until he joined the war effort. Then things changed and… Well, I had nothing until I found you. I got through the portal.”

“Never heard about a portal. I would have come sooner if I had known. I wouldn’t have let you on your own.”

“That’s okay. I found you.”

“You were in a lot of pain because of me”

And he wasn’t able to forgive himself for ruining her life. Maybe he should have erased her memories just like Donna’s. But then, how would have she been able to find again?

“I’m fine,” she softly said.

“And I can’t be more thankful for that.”

He put his arm around her shoulders to get her closer to him. He would never let her go again. He’d rather die than live that situation again. He knew he wouldn’t be strong enough to bear her absence again. She kissed his cheek and he smiled.

“To have you again is a miracle.”

“I think the same. Looks like fate decided to reunite the two of us after all. How are we gonna take revenge on this bitch? Almost killed me with all those bad news, and losses, and solitude.

He pretended to be thinking about a possible revenge while eating Rose’s chips. She raised an eyebrow and hit his hand.

“What are you talking about?”

“Time to show to this freaking bitch that we were meant to be together from the beginning, time to show it how happy we can be, don’t you think?”

“Okay then,” she replied, laughing.

“My last companion, Clara, used to tod me I wasn’t a warrior but somehow, I feel like I am. I chose to be the Doctor because it felt right, because I wanted to help people but… Since the war, since I’ve lost you and the other companions, I’m full of rage, and pain. I have felt like I had to get a revenge on life. But now that you’re back, I just don’t know what to do with all those feelings consuming me for decades,” he admitted, playing with a strand of her hair.

“We’ll find a way to channel it.”

“Any people would be afraid of all the darkness I have. Not you. You’re wonderful, you know? Have I ever told you that?”

“In various forms…”

“You were fantastic, absolutely fantastic!” I remember that one. It was a hard time.”

“And it will never happen again. It’s going to be me and you forever,” she promised, hugging his torso.

“Don’t let me die then. I’m living my last life. I can’t regenerate anymore. And you know how much I love flirting with Death,” he confessed.

“Oh God…” she said, biting her lip. “I can’t lose you.”

“I’ve warned you travelling with me was dangerous. I’ve never been able to take care of myself. Too much running to do, too many threats to defeat.”

“Too many women to love and protect,” she teased, nuzzling him.

“I also travelled with men!” h _e_ said, pretending to be hurt again by her words.

She snorted and kissed him. She knew it. They both travelled with Captain Jack Harkness because she had insisted to save him. The Doctor didn’t like the guy that much at first but had to admit he had been a _fantastic_ companion too and someone he could always trust. He laughed, remembering all the good moments he had when he used to travel with Jack and Rose. It felt good. He was starting to feel nostalgic when something caught his attention. The silence. Everything was loud and agitated when they came in. Why was everything so silently all of a sudden? The Doctor raised an eyebrow. Rose nuzzled him gently and closed her eyes.

“I’m exhausted, love.”

“Something’s strange.”

He didn’t really hear what she said focused on the sudden silence. Nothing had changed around him. Everything seemed normal. But why was everything so silent suddenly?

“Don’t you notice it?”

“No,” she replied, shaking her head a bit.

“I must be paranoid. Been running for too long. Always thinking there’s some danger here and there.”

“We’ll be okay,” she reassured him, kissing his cheek.

“You should have met my eleventh form. He was the optimistic one. I’m the grumpy paranoid one.”

“This form is my favourite,” she said gently.

“Oh, don’t tell Jack I’ve lost the bet. I said your favourite form was the tenth. You know, the foxy one.”

She giggled but was surprised to hear about Jack. She knew the Bad Wolf had saved him from Death but the Doctor let her know that he was still alive. Was it possible that the Bad Wolf actually gave more life than necessary to him too? Were they both unable to die?

“He was lovely, but you’re the one I have now.”

“Somehow I have the feeling that my final hour has come and that you’re just an hallucination here to help me accept my final death. Whether it’s true or not, I don’t care. I have you and that’s all that matters,” he said as he held her tighter in his arms.

“I’m real. I promise.”

She leaned against his torso and closed her eyes. She was finally home. Nothing ever felt so right for a long time. She had finally found her way back to the Doctor after so many years of false hopes, after losing everyone. It was about time they both met each other again. She knew the Doctor thought the same. They didn’t see each other in ages but nothing seemed to have changed between them. They still loved each other and that was the only thing that mattered. She finally fell asleep, happy to be in his arms again. He smiled at her.

“She’s right. She’s real. But I’ve never seen someone so discerning before you, Doctor. You’ve immediately sensed that something was wrong.”

The Doctor’s smile disappeared as a plump guy sat down across from him. The embers of his rage reawakened when he realised that he knew the guy. Someone from his past. Someone he never wanted to see again. When he was around, it meant that something really bad was gonna happen. The Doctor held Rose tighter. Whatever was going to happen now, he would not lose her again. That would never happen again. Even if he had to die for good.


	2. Better with two - PART II

The Doctor remained silent as the guy stole some of the chips left. The anger was burning in the pit of his stomach and he tried his best not to attack the man in from of him. He was just an envoy. He never did the things by himself. He just delivered the message of the disaster or the good thing to come and disappeared as if nothing had happened. That guy wasn’t a Time Lord but he was related to them, somehow. The envoys came from a planet near Gallifrey and were all assigned to a Time Lord to deliver messages from everyone about everything. That one was the Doctor’s one. The Doctor had only seen him a few times before. The guy had well-chosen his name. He only told him about disasters. He never had good news for him. What was he gonna say now? That wouldn’t please him. That was a certitude. He told him about Gallifrey but the Doctor had never believed him until it happened.

“Psycho. Long time no see.”

“Did you miss me?”

“Not at all.”

The Doctor’s voice was really calm but inside down, he was boiling with rage. He looked down at Rose who was sleeping on his shoulder. The silence hit him once again. It was unreal.

“Oh, Doctor. We don’t see each other that much.”

“It’s already too much.”

“You’ve always been so rude!”

“What have you done to her?” he asked, showing Rose.

“Nothing. I have no control on the Bad Wolf. She came here on her own.”

“She’s not…”

“She’s here as the Bad Wolf, not as Rose Tyler. I can feel it.”

The Doctor looked at her again and swallowed. He hadn’t sensed it. For him, she was just Rose Tyler. She had done everything to make him believe she was her. The Bad Wolf had been a part of Rose a long time ago. Maybe she had just taken her appearance to get close to him. He could hardly believe it after all that had happened those last few hours. If the Bad Wolf was really there, that couldn’t be a good sign. Psycho being there too was definitively not a good sign. What was happening? A major crisis must have happened but he didn’t know about it and the TARDIS hadn’t told him anything. He hated not knowing. He hated the feeling that was appearing in his stomach. A feeling of fear. Something big was coming up and he hadn’t seen it coming. Something was wrong with him. How come he couldn’t sense the Bad Wolf, but the envoy could? Why his TARDIS suddenly felt unreachable in his mind?

“The last time I saw you, you told me I would burn Gallifrey.”

“You didn’t believe me.”

“How could I?”

“But you did it.”

“And I hated you.”

“You’ve hated yourself more.”

“Why are you here? And don’t bother lying to me. The Bad Wolf and you, must be something really bad.”

The envoy didn’t answer him. He drew the plate full of chips to him and began eating it. How could he say the thing as clearly as possible? Actually, he didn’t care about how to tell the thing. He just had to make the Doctor understand what was really going on. And that wasn’t going to please him. Every time he had met the Doctor, Psycho had been surprised by his incredible cleverness but also by the way his behaviour was changing. Though the man was still the same, his character always changed. It never got better. The Doctor always got bitter. Living a very long life sometimes wasn’t the best thing to do. Things and people always ended up reaching you in the best or in the worst way. And when you lived forever, you never truly forgot everything that had happened to you, every people you’ve lost. No wonder why Time Lords were such awful persons to talk to.

“You don’t remember anything of what had happened, heh?”

The Doctor was more and more confused. He really didn’t know what Psycho was talking about. Something had happened. He had guessed it by now. But what had exactly happened? He was trying to remember but, strangely, nothing came to his mind. All his past adventures, all the people he had known in his very long life were still in his mind, he knew it but he couldn’t access it. It was all blurry, unreachable just like his TARDIS was. It was weird and very scary. And the Doctor had to admit he was afraid. Something that didn’t happen much often.

“What am I supposed to remember?” he asked, not showing his fear.

“Your mind is really an interesting piece. Your memory is selective, Doctor. It’s trying to avoid a very bad thing.”

“What if you told me instead of playing around?”

“I would rather have you remembering it by yourself.”

Oh how irritating the guy was! If he wasn’t such preoccupied by the reason of his presence, he would have smashed Psycho’s head on the table. There was nothing worse than someone playing around with something he was dying to say anyway. And the Doctor, though his Time Lord condition, wasn’t someone really patient.

“You obviously know something I don’t. Tell me. I won’t wait any longer.”

“Someone gave me a message for you, a strange message I have to admit. And I usually don’t get my message from people…”

“Get straight to the point or I smash your head in that plate.”

“Easy, Time Boy!” said Psycho, raising his hands to calm him down. “The message was: _“You don’t be a warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.”_ Does this ring a bell?”

The words hit something inside him. A voice. The same words with that voice. But he couldn’t remember whose voice it was, he couldn’t remember who told him those words. They were obviously addressed to him. He was the only Doctor, the Doctor, in all the universes. Someone asked him not to be a warrior. That someone probably died for him and asked him not to take revenge for what had happened.

“I can remember the voice.”

“That’s a good start. It means your memories are still here somewhere. You just have to wake them up”

“It’s never a good thing to wake some memories up. If I forgot them, there was a reason. Probably a good one.”

“Not my business. I’m here to force you to get those memories back so you can understand the reason of my presence here.”

“As you know the whole story, it’ll be easier if you said it all to me.”

He knew he couldn’t do that. The envoy could just give the message and be sure that it was well understood but he could not interfere in the process of that understanding. The Time Lords had to do it on their own.

“You remember every single of your companions, Doctor. Why is it so hard to remember which one had asked you to be a Doctor and not a warrior?”

This could only be one of his most recent companions. He remembered a short brown girl. His eleventh self kept calling her “impossible girl”. What was her name already? He could see her face, her smile. He could see them travelling together but the name didn’t come. He frowned. He had never forgotten the name of any of his companions. Why was it so difficult suddenly?

“Maybe because she’s linked to a story I don’t wanna remember?”

“You never forgot Rose Tyler. She was your soulmate and you’ve lost her. You still remember your best friend Donna Noble, though it destroyed you to erase her memory. Amy and Rory are still in there,” he pointed a finger to the Doctor’s head, “and they both died. Why is it so hard to remember Clara Oswald who also gave her life for you?”

Clara Oswald. The name definitively rang a bell. Clara Oswald, the impossible girl born to save him all those centuries ago. Clara Oswald, the girl that wasn’t supposed to be able to die but who died anyway. Clara Oswald who asked him to let her be brave. She sacrificed herself for him, to get rid of the raven that was threatening everyone. How could he even forget her name? She should never be forgotten, just like all the other people he had lost. They all deserved a better life than the one he had given them. He had taken them away from their friends and family and had led them all to a very unpleasant end. Except for Martha Jones who got to live a life he was proud of.

\- Flashback -

_“Listen, if this is the last I ever see of you, please, not like this,” said Clara to the Doctor. “Is there anything you can do?” she then asked to Ashildr._

_“I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry, I…”_

_“Time’s short. Yes or no?”_

_“No.”_

_The Doctor breathed heavily. He couldn’t believe what was happening. Clara, his Clara, was about to give her life to save his. They were both aware of the danger but they had committed a mistake and that mistake was about to cost Clara’s life. It was hard to swallow. He just couldn’t let her do that._

_“Well, if Danny Pink can do it, I can do it too.”_

_“Do what?” asked the Doctor, afraid of her answer._

_“Die right. Die like I mean it. Face the Raven.”_

_“No. This, this isn’t happening. This can’t be happening.”_

_“Maybe this is what I wanted. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is why I kept running. Maybe this is why I kept taking all those stupid risks. Keep pushing it.”_

_“This is my fault.”_

_“This is my choice.”_

_“I let you get reckless.”_

_He had always been a reckless guy, full of energy, ready to take all the risks needed to save the whole universe and all his companions had tried to be like him. Every single of them. And he had lost them all. Now, he was about to lose Clara and he just couldn’t accept it._

_“Why? Why shouldn’t I be so reckless? You’re reckless all the bloody time. Why can’t I be like you?”_

_She was angry at him and he perfectly understood why. It was all his fault. He made that to her. He led her to her end._

_“Clara, there’s nothing special about me. I am nothing but I’m less breakable than you. I should have taken care of you.”_

_“I never asked you to.”_

_“You shouldn’t have to ask.”_

_The raven cawed as it flew around along the winding street and the people scattered terrified. The time was almost done. If they didn’t do anything, the damages would be terrible._

_“Clara, if I’d known, I’d…” said Rigsy._

_“Don’t. Shut up.”_

_“But…”_

_“Really, Rigsy, shut up. If you feel guilty about this, even for one minute, I…” They heard the Raven. She turned to the Doctor. “You. Now, listen to me. You’re going to be alone now, and you’re very bad at that. You’re going to be furious and you’re going to be sad, but listen to me. Don’t let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next, wherever she is sending you, I know what you’re capable of. You don’t be warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.”_

_“What the point of being a Doctor if I can’t cure you?”_

_“Heal yourself. You have to. You can’t let this turn you into a monster. So, I’m not asking you for a promise, I’m giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here and anywhere, will suffer.”_

_“What about me?”_

_“If there was something I could do about that, I would. I guess we’re both just going to have to be brave.”_

_“Clara.”_

_She hugged him. He had never been a hugging person. Clara was the only one who could hug him. But he didn’t like that hug. That was a goodbye hug and it hurt more than any other hug they had ever had. He hugged her back, holding the tears back._

_“Everything you are about to say, I already know. Don’t do it now. We’ve already had enough bad timing.”_

_The Raven cawed close by. The death was slowly getting close to them. There was no time to waste anymore. She had to go face her death._

_“Don’t run. Stay with me,” he begged her._

_“Nah. You stay here. In the end, everybody does this alone.”_

_“Clara.”_

_“This is as brave as I know how to be. I know it’s going to hurt you, but, please, be a little proud of me.”_

_She touched his cheek to try to comfort him. He took her hand and slowly kissed it. This would be the last time they would see each other and he realised how hard it’d be. Those were her final words._

_“Goodbye, Doctor,” she whispered softly._

_Clara stepped out into the deserted street. The Raven landed on a nearby stall and cawed. She walked towards it as other passers-by ran away. The Doctor stepped out of the doorway._

_“Let me be brave. Let me be brave,” she kept repeating to herself, hoping the Doctor would do as she had told him._

_The Raven launched itself from its perch. Clara opened her arms wide and it flew into her stomach. She opened her mouth wide in a silent scream of agony. The Doctor didn’t move. He let her do but the pain was tearing him apart. Clara relaxed and the Quantum Shade smoke came out of her mouth as the fell to the ground._

\- End -

The memory left him totally astonished. He remembered now. He remembered Clara’s sacrifice for him. He remembered her last words but the rest of the memory was all blurred. Did he obey? Or did he look for revenge? He had saved Ashildr and she had betrayed him. It was partly her fault if Clara died that day. How could he have forgotten such a thing?

“I remember. I remember her. I remember her words.”

“Good.”

“What now?”

“Do you remember what had happened after she died?”

“No. I just remembered her falling to the ground.”

“I guess, you can’t quite remember that part. The feelings of rage and grief were tearing you apart.”

“What did I do?”

“What do you think you did?”

“I obeyed. That seemed the right thing to do.”

“In an alternative timeline, you did. You were supposed to follow that timeline but you didn’t.”

“You’re not supposed to see the different timelines. Only Time Lords can do that.”

“I can’t. This is a part of the message. I have been told what was supposed to happen and what you’ve actually done.”

“And I’ve not done the right thing.”

“Depends on what you think is the right thing.”

“For you, the right thing to do is always the most horrible one.”

“The bad news are always more fun than the good ones. I once gave good news but I got bored. I asked to be transferred to the bad news. And I got assigned to you.”

“What an honour!” said the Doctor, ironically.

Psycho finished the chips and pushed the plate away. He slowly dried his hands and threw the paper towel in the empty plate. The Doctor was staring at him, waiting not so patiently for him.

“Well, still no memories of what you’ve done?”

“I was waiting for you to tell me.”

“Aren’t you a bit lazy?”

“No. Just pissed off.”

“As usual.”

“I’m going to strangle you.”

“Not something the Doctor would do.”

“Said the guy who told me I would commit a genocide.”

“Extenuated circumstances?”

“Get to the real point of all of this, Psycho.”

“ _Run you clever boy and remember me._ ”

“Stop quoting her!”

“Start remembering, Doctor.”

The Doctor was boiling with rage. That guy was truly pissing him off. He was gonna hit him if he kept playing with his nerves. Next to him, Rose – or was it really the Bad Wolf? – started to move and slowly woke up. She gave a dirty look to Psycho. She didn’t like him either.

“You missed the entire fun Bad Wolf girl.”

“I told you not to come.”

“You were supposed to give the message instead of cuddling lovingly and everything.”

The Bad Wolf girl blushed a little. There was still some Rose in there. The Bad Wolf was pretty indifferent to any kind of emotions. The idea of Rose rushing to him while he was about to learn something terrible made his hearts beat a little bit faster. She had fought all those years to come back to him. Somehow she did manage to get to him but not in the form of the girl he used to love more than life itself. Now, he could really see the Bad Wolf. It was there, using Rose’s body like it had always done.

“That doesn’t really matter at this point.”

“It does.”

“He needed to trust me.”

“He always has.”

“Needed to be sure.”

“Are the both of you explaining me what’s happening or are you just gonna fight over your freaking ways of working?” said the Doctor bitterly.

He couldn’t quite believe the Bad Wolf and the envoy had seen each other to choose who would tell him what was supposed to happen. He had no clue at all and their little fight wasn’t helping his anger.

“I can’t definitively take it as a good sign.”

“It’s not, my Doctor.”

“So, what am I supposed to have done after losing Clara?”

The Bad Wolf bit her lip a few seconds. How could she say something as harsh as the thing she had to tell him? It wasn’t an easy one but they had to. That was their mission. He had a choice to make and he wouldn’t be able to if they didn’t tell him what was going on.

“It’s better if I show you,” she simply said.

She slowly stroked her face with a sad look. Then, she pressed her fingers on his temple and closed her eyes. He was surprised to see that she could reach his mind so easily but couldn’t say anything because memories flowed in his mind.

\- Flashback -

_His hearts broke as she fell to the ground. He was supposed to close the door, to let her die alone just like she asked and not to hurt Ashildr. But he was hurt. He was deeply hurt and totally mad. He couldn’t tell whose fault it was. Was it his because he did a mistake that caused the dilemma? Was it Ashildr’s who tricked them? Was it just the fate telling him he was meant to lose everyone and everything?_

_“I’m sorry, Doctor. I truly am,” tried to apologize Ashildr._

_“What Clara said about not taking revenge. Do you know why she said that?” he replied._

_He was mad at her and she could easily feel it. The Doctor’s anger was not to take lightly. That was something people who knew him had learnt over the past centuries._

_“She was saving you.”_

_That seemed pretty legit to think. The Doctor had never been a warrior. He was a pacifist. He had done wrong choices, wrong things but it was always for saving people. If he decided to take any revenge now, his personality would be highly corrupted. He was a saviour, a Doctor. He wasn’t a warrior and couldn’t go on that path. Not now that he was so close of coming back to his home planet._

_“She was saving **you**_. _”_

_Clara knew how he would react to her death. She knew he would blame Ashildr and hurt her and she gave him the order not to touch the girl. She knew what he would have done to her and she gave him the order not to do anything. At least, against her._

_“I was lost a long time ago. She was saving you. I’ll do my best, but I strongly advise you to keep out of my way. You’ll find that it’s a very small universe when I’m angry with you._

_Ashildr nodded, afraid and shocked. The teleport bracelet the Doctor was wearing beeped and he was gently beamed in purple and white light while Ashildr turned her back. The bracelet dropped to the floor. The Doctor had disappeared._

_He found himself back in the TARDIS. When he got out of it, he realised his blue box had been painted with flowers and a portrait of Clara. It was absolutely beautiful and reminded him of how much hurt and mad he was. He obeyed by not doing any harm to Ashildr but she didn’t say anything about the others. That would not be revenge, just a way to deal with his pain. So he threw himself in all the shady streets he met. He threw himself in troubles. He picked fights with a lot of bad people and every time he was punched, kicked, thrown to the ground, the physical pain made him forget about his real pain. People didn’t understand where he was coming from and why he was so much angry. They just knew he was attacking them and that they had to protect themselves from him. By the end of the night, he found himself laying down on the ground, in a lame state._

_He was pretty sure all those fights had broken him a few bones and created a few other problems in his body but he just didn’t care and enjoyed the pain, the blood and the violence of it all. Someone kicked him in the ribs and he just laughed. Nothing mattered anymore, nothing except that pain in his whole body._

_“You must be high to enjoy such a pain and still laugh at me, grandpa.”_

_“You must be stupid for hitting a poor guy who can’t get up anymore.”_

_He was provoking the guy. He wanted to make him as mad as he was. He wanted him to end his pain even if he knew nothing would actually end it. He had lost too many people. Clara was the last of them and he couldn’t handle it anymore. The guy hit him a few more times for him to stop laughing and then, ran away when he heard footsteps. The Doctor heard them as well and suddenly someone was knelt next to him. That could have been anyone but the big brown eyes got him really surprised._

_“What have you done, my Doctor?”_

_That was her only question before he lost his grip on the reality and fell into a black hole…_

\- End -

Rose took her hands off of his face and watched him as the memories got back into his mind. Psycho looked annoyed. He was tapping on the table with his fingers, waiting for the conclusion of all of that. The Doctor looked at Rose.

“You came to pick me up before someone else found me.”

“This would have been a very wrong thing.”

“Where am I now?”

“I brought you back to the TARDIS. We’re both in there. She’s protecting us.”

“And you took my mind exactly where you wanted to.”

“I needed you to remember me, to trust me before you got to this point.”

“But who are you for real?”

The situation was really pissing him off. Yes, he had done a bad move. Yes, he was paying the price of his acts. But why in the world did his envoy and the Bad Wolf came here? Why did they use such a staging to force him to remember, to tell him all of that?

“All I said to you in the TARDIS was true. I’m Rose. I’m your Rose Tyler, the only one you’ve ever known.”

“And the Bad Wolf?”

“She didn’t really leave my body all those years ago. A part of her stayed in me and no one knew it.”

“How did you find it?”

“The first time, I couldn’t quite believe it. I had just lost my human Doctor and it was hard to deal with. I got killed by a car because I was too drunk to be careful.”

The revelation left him surprised. She was telling him what had happened with a detached tone. There were no emotions as if she was talking about something that didn’t matter. In her eyes though, he could see the whirl of it all. It was still torturing her in a part of her mind.

“The first time?”

“I woke up in my bedroom as if nothing happened. There was only my daughter at home and she was looking at me with wide open eyes. She told me that they had called her after the accident to tell her I was dead, that they was nothing else to do for me, except unplugging the machines that kept me partially alive. She was watching over me, trying to decide what to do when she saw the golden glow of my hand. I had told her about you, about the regenerations, about the Bad Wolf but she had always thought it was only stories. Until that day.”

“You regenerated?”

“I was in a coma. I didn’t know what had happened until she told me. And indeed, I was feeling a bit different. I physically changed a bit. My daughter told me she had stolen my body from the morgue before they did anything to me and brought me back home. I didn’t understand how that could have happened. I used my Torchwood access to get an explanation. Looks like the Bad Wolf never really left my body. It changed my DNA, something almost unnoticeable and yet. Here I am.”

“It did not happen just once.”

“I provoked the second one. That was risky but I had to know. And it worked again. The third time, I got shot. Every time, I regenerated. The energy the Bad Wolf had left in me healed my body and changed it a little so people wouldn’t get suspicious.”

“You look exactly the same to me.”

“The portal I’ve told you about. It was pretty unstable but I went through. My body couldn’t handle it. I controlled the regeneration to look the same I was when I travelled with you. But that wasn’t enough.”

“It was. I was just too busy mourning Clara to really look around me and see what was going on. Looks like you’ve found me just in time.”

“She found me first.”

“And he told me about what was going on with you. I decided to be the one to tell you what will happen now.”

There was a silence. Rose was slightly biting her lip. She was nervous. Whatever was going to happen now would not be something pleasant. Psycho was still tapping on the table with his fingers.

“Well, I guess my mission is over now.”

“You can go,” she nodded.

She didn’t need to tell him twice. He disappeared immediately. Rose didn’t look at her beloved Doctor right away. She stared at the empty seat left by Psycho for a moment.

“So… What’s now? Since we’re in my head, there’s a way to get out of here, isn’t it?”

“That’s more complicated than that.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re dying, Doctor.”

There was another silence. She was still avoiding his look. She bit her bottom lip. He had no idea what he was going through right now but she knew. He took her chin in his hand and forced her to look at him.

“That’s not possible.”

“Unfortunately, it is. Your body can’t regenerate anymore and it’s not healing itself. You’re blocking it.”

“Why would I?”

“Because you lost everyone and everything.”

She was talking about an emotional block from his mind. That was why his body wasn’t healing. That was why he was slowly dying while they were talking. The restaurant suddenly disappeared. Everything that was around disappeared too. There was only Rose and him, now standing on the edge of a cliff.

“What does that mean?”

“Here where you really are. On the edge of life or death. That’s what Psycho had to tell you.”

“He came to tell me I was dying, I got it.”

He was still confused though. One second, he was fighting fit and the second after, he learnt that he was about to die. He looked down. He couldn’t see where the cliff ended. He swallowed. It was terrifying but he couldn’t admit it. He couldn’t admit he was terrified. But he didn’t have to. Rose was in his head. She knew. She could feel everything and see everything. She had maybe saved his life until now.

“He came here to tell you you have the choice, Doctor,” she said, taking his hand in hers.

“What choice?”

“Right now, I’m keeping your mind and body alive but it’s not my decision to take.”

“You gotta stop playing around and tell me what’s going on like right now!”

The fear made him angry. She didn’t react at him yelling at her. She just held his hand a bit tighter. She faced him, some tears in her eyes.

“You are the most wonderful man I’ve ever met, Doctor. You opened to me the doors of a brand new life. A life full of danger but a life where I could do what was right, what was fair. I will never be truly able to thank you for showing me how wonderful the universe can be, how good it feels to take a stand and defend those who need to.”

“Rose, you sound like you’re doing a farewell.”

“I am.”

“Why?”

“Because whatever you’ll choose, it’ll be the last time we see each other. If you survive, you’ll find Gallifrey and I can’t follow you there. I’ll have to stay on Earth. If you don’t, we’ll die together. I have nothing left to lose now.”

He looked down once again, holding her hand. The wind was blowing all around them, threatening to make them fall. The decision had to be taken quickly. There would be no second chance.

“I remember the first time I ever caught your hand in that basement. If someone had told me you would change my life that way, I wouldn’t have believed it. I wouldn’t have believed it either if someone had told me I would fall in love with a young human girl who’d risk everything for me.”

She didn’t say anything and quietly listened to him, the eyes closed not to see the truth under her feet. That new version of her Doctor looked so much like the first she knew. Dark, hurt, angry and yet, almost human.

“I never forgot that day either.”

“I can’t lose you a second time. I can’t keep living if that means losing you again.”

“Doctor…”

She knew. Hearing the tone of his voice, she knew he had taken his decision. Her heart broke. That was not what she had wanted for him. She wanted him to live even if it meant being apart from him.

“You had to go through so many things because of me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being able to protect you, for letting you down. It’s never gonna happen again. I’m never gonna let anything pull us apart again. Gallifrey, the Time Lords, the TARDIS, the universe… It doesn’t matter anymore if you’re not there with me.”

“That’s your choice, Doctor. You step back or you jump. You live or you die.”

“If living means losing you, then I jump.”

He turned his back to the cliff and closed his eyes still holding her hand very tight. He was afraid but he knew that was the right choice.

“Don’t make your choice because of me. The universe needs you.”

“I dedicated all my thirteen lives to the universe and what did I get in return? Nothing. I lost everything and everyone. The universe took everything away from me. It broke me. And I remember now…”

“What do you remember?”

“I wanted them to kill me,” he admitted.

He was weird, saying it out loud. He didn’t even clearly think about it when he had walked through the streets and provoked the guys. He just wanted the pain to stop and that was the only way for him. He didn’t want to live another century with all that pain, with all the weight of his lost people. The other Time Lords could take care of the universe. The Doctor was done.

“They did.”

Rose faced him and gently stroked his cheek. It was a bit selfish of him to give up on everything that way, to choose Rose and the death instead of the universe and the life. Her words meant everything at that point. She knew he had chosen death, she knew he would jump. The Doctor opened his eyes and looked into hers.

“The question is: are you jumping with me?”

“Together or not at all,” she replied softly, squeezing his hand.

He kissed her, deeply, passionately, lovingly. They were on the edge of their eternity, an eternity of peace and of love. While kissing her, he had flashes of their life together. He even saw his TARDIS, parked in the Powell Estate. It would forever remain there now, just like he wanted it to be when they faced the Daleks on the Satellite 5. She deepened the kiss with as much passion and love.

“Together or not at all,” he repeated.

They both turned their back on the cliff and closed their eyes. They were holding hands tight. They had faced life and its difficulties together, they were now about to face death. He murmured an ‘I love you’ and they both took a step back, jumping from the cliff and falling into the depths of death…


	3. Changes

It was Christmas time again on that bloody timeline. The Doctor used to be so joyful about it before. Christmas time was about spending time with family and friends, a time of celebration. He remembered the Christmases he had spent with some of his companions. Rose in the Powell Estates, Gwyneth on the Titanic – the space ship, not the water ship, even if the story was quite the same in the end – the Ponds in their house with the door as blue as the TARDIS, and a couple of times with Clara. You would think it was good memories of good times if there wasn’t that hint of bitter sweetness, melancholy and sadness specific to the memories you got of the people you had lost a long time ago.

The Doctor hated Christmas for it always remembered him of disasters he had stopped and companions he had lost. His Christmas always ended in a terrible way. Most of the time, with a regeneration. That year wasn’t any different from the other years. That year was even worse in his opinion. He had promised himself to never take another companion. He had an oath to respect and had to guard a vault. He was a professor in college and that was the perfect cover for a man with an knowledge on almost everything like he was. But he was missing space. Terribly. He had always been a man on the run so becoming a settled man wasn’t one of his best decisions.

However, there had been Bill. Oh, Bill Potts. So ridiculously human and so different all at once. All smiley and sceptical. Honestly reminded him of Rose. Chips lover, bright, clever mind – though she still was a stupid ape at times, they all were, those humans! He couldn’t help himself. He already had the moralistic Nardole, but he wanted – needed – someone who would help him change his mind, who would help him out of that routine he had gotten bogged down with the years passing. What an adventure it had been! All in delicious and breathtaking unforeseen developments, all in old fellows coming back to life, all in disasters that always led him to his end.

Nothing really changed after all. Times moved on, things evolved, but the world was still working the same. It always sank in the madness of a war. And the Doctor was done fighting in wars. He was no warrior. He was just an idiot, passing through and helping out, sharing his knowledge and saving people and planets. He never asked for the troubles he always had gotten into. He never asked for the oncoming storm reputation he had. But that’s how his timeline had always been written and he had never seen anything coming. Watching his own timeline or walking into it would have been breaking the laws. Not that he cared much about the laws anyway.

 _“Times change and so must I”_ had he said in one of his previous lives. Maybe the times had changed, but he was too old now to notice any change around him. Those eyes had seen too much. Those hearts had lost too much. That body had handled too much. Now was the time to let it go. He had lost his companion. He had lost his best friend. Nothing was holding him back anymore. What was the point of fighting when every battle was already lost? He was so sick of it all. He couldn’t bear the rudeness of the universe toward him anymore. That self didn’t have faith anymore. It was time to change, to see the world with brand new eyes, to have a new perspective.

So there he was, on the edge on regenerating after one last hurrah. He was alone again, but it didn’t matter right now. Being alone was a good thing. He was gonna start it all over again with a new face, new personality, new habits. He was gonna meet new people, see new worlds, rediscover things he had gotten used to, travel through the stars with no real purpose. Oh, those were good projects. He could already feel the excitement running through his veins and mixing itself with the burning regenerative energy that was rewriting his cells and creating a new body. And in the midst of misty mind and numbness of body that were always accompanying the regeneration, he smiled. He could never quite give up on the surprises life could bring him.

There was one thing the Doctor hadn’t seen coming in his plans for the future and he could see it now that he was discovering his newly regenerated body. He ran his long and thin fingers through his mi-long blonde hair, stroked the skin of his face and checked his new outfit. Something sober. His new face would already be a source of lapse in concentration, no need to add more with a fancy outfit. A simple black hoodie, with jeans and a grey coat were just fine to start with. It looked a lot like his past self style. Better start slowly for the first adventures and the first meetings. He smiled at his reflection in the mirror. Everything was ready. He was ready.

The Doctor had planned it all before his regeneration. Absolutely everything. He just hadn’t seen that times indeed had changed. He hadn’t seen that the future would be female. Things promised to be _interesting_ , because from now on, the Doctor was a _woman_ and she was so ready to conquer space and time.


End file.
